My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
