THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
