He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
