I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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