god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
