the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
