Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Success! We fucked roommates!
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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