Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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