I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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