Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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