there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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