um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
