So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
this boner is exhausting
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
