Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize