I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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