she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
