i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
