i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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