i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
