Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
