I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
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