Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
