she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
