i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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