Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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