my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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