this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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