Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
