Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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