Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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