me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Randomize
