OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
