Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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