I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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