you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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