Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
