Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
