We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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