The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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