I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
