I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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