a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
