instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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