Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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