It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
