I didn't shave. On purpose
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
