Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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