For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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