I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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