Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I touched a dick in church today
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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