Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She bit a glass in half.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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