just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
God, I missed his penis.
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