So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
