Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
