She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
