also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
