2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
