so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
