I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
