Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
