Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
