So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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